Saturday, September 26, 2009

Searching for Laura in Singapore Part 2

This is my second post on the favourite search terms that bring people to this site.

1) "cannibalism thailand", "cannibalism in thailand", "singapore cannibalism", "thai funeral cannibalism". Really, I find Thai people very nice, and maybe some are hungry, but certainly not that hungry. I didn't even get bitten by any. Suggest you chill out and surf airfares instead of freaky crap.

2) "where to buy 3d glasses in singapore", "pirates eye patch sellers in singapore", "plastic imitation fruits, singapore". No no no, 3D glasses, eye patches and faux fruits are not what Laura in Singapore represents. Do not waste your money on these things. Please donate to charity instead. I suggest the WWF or the Bill Gates foundation, you can't go wrong.

3) "apple and custard soap", "custard cream soaps". Apparently there is a trend to have soap that resembles food. Laura in Singapore tries to separate grooming from eating but respects this representation of the power of pie.

4) "escort korean candy singapore". Now this person could not decide if they wanted a companion or candy.

5) "why do eurasian celebrate christmas", "portugese eurasian songs", "eurasian fashion clothing", "eurasian modern fashion", "eurasian tradition clothing". A future posting on Barry's Eurasian culture is forthcoming, now that I have recognised that this is an informational gap on the Internet. Let's start with some simple Eurasian pointers:
A) Eurasians are mixed Europeans and Asians. Hence, they may have some Christian heritage and celebrate Christmas. See how that works?
B) Shockingly, Eurasians wear the same clothing as other races. You can't detect them by their fashion, it's more of a physical thing.
C) Were there enough Portugese Eurasians for them to make their own songs? Do they have their own Portuguese Eurasian Karaoke bars? We'll try to answer these tough questions in future posts.

6) "which fruits white face", "botox for skinny face", "diet pocky singapore". Welcome to our section on vanity. Luckily, Laura in Singapore provides beauty advice as follows:
A) Whitening your face is freaky, and is a waste of fruit. Please study grammar instead.
B) Botox is to smooth your wrinkles, you can't use it to fatten your face. That's what food is for. I recommend Singaporean food, please see previous posts.
C) Sadly, diet pocky is a ridiculous concept. Instead, I recommend a side salad with your pocky. With more salad, and less pocky, the same calorific reduction is achieved! You're welcome.

7) "proctology pictures", Please tell me you're in proctologist school and this is for educational purposes.

8) "rocky malay bodybuilder in singapore". Well, if you search for this I am oddly the 4th choice. Thus, Laura in Singapore will have to cover such sports in future posts.

9) "spectacaled bear food", I'm the first result due to having made the same spelling error. Luckily I am also an expert on the topic:
The spectacled bears eat a wide variety of food, ranging from mice, rabbits, birds, berries, grasses and orchid bulbs all the way to their favorite food, the leaves, bases, and hearts of the Bromeliacae plant family. Many times, these animals will climb cacti to taste of the fruit at the top. Similarly, they will build nests in the tops of trees to use as a crude form of feeding platform as well as a sleeping place and day bed.

10) "august birthday threats singapore(2009)". Here's another one I can answer. The main birthday threats in august or any month are as follows:
1) Getting older. This is the biggest threat.
2) Being surprised by a surprise party. This can be a threat to your health and or dignity.
3) Getting presents you don't like. This threat is generally dwarfed by #1. Glad to help.

11) "spandex roofing" As a spandex cohabitator, I recommend a different material. While a spandex roof saves on trampoline costs, it is not waterproof. Also, it can mould, I have seen the proof. Thus, I suggest separate materials for your bike shorts and your roof.

12) "singapore monster", "how to chase lizard away". Well, I'm not going to lie to you, there are monsters here. While I've covered the lizard question in a previous post, here is the monster of the week:

Friday, September 18, 2009

Laura in the Middle East

This week, Laura mixed it up a little and went to the middle east. Here is some proof:And here is Barbican, non-alcoholic malt beverage, for those who were looking for carb calories emptier than beer's. Available in a mini-bar in your favourite middle eastern hotel.Now that you believe me, I'll tell you about some other features of Dubai, Middle East for beginners. First, it has all the stores in the world in it, in huge malls to shelter you from reality:And many tall shiny buildings, which are unfortunately not all completed.Here are some Canadian things you can find in Dubai: 4 different Canadian coffee chains, maple syrup by the litre, and even the lesser known desert Zamboni:

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Discovering Tanuki

Like us, if you were in Japan, you were probably worried and confused about the origins of the above creature. Do not fret, as we have solved the badger mystery! The creature behind those cute, yet creepy statues is called Tanuki (Japanese "raccoon-dog").
Tanuki is a dog, eats a similar diet to a raccoon (Japanese garbage, I guess), climbs trees, doesn't bark, and is the only dog that hibernates. Secretive and non-aggressive it prefers to scream or play dead rather than fight. The Tanuki is reputed to be a master of disguise and “shapeshifting", according to the Japanese. And he also supports ear cleaning, in our newly-acquired bathroom version.Often found greeting guests to Japanese restaurants,,Tanuki statues have a number of important features as shown below:
1) a bamboo hat that protects against trouble, as well as the sun
2) big eyes to help make good decisions - who knew?
3) a sake bottle representing virtue - I knew sake alcohol was virtuous
4) a big tail that provides steadiness and strength
5) over-sized ‘endowments’ that symbolize financial luck - or, perhaps, an infection?
6) a promissory note that represents trust - yet I'm skeptical
7) a big belly that symbolizes bold decisiveness - lest you think it was from the sake
8) a friendly smile - in this case, oddly puckeredSo next time you go to your favourite Japanese noodle restaurant, keep your eye out for a Tanuki.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

High Maintenance Ghosts

It is the Taoist Hungry Ghost festival again, a month when the gates of the netherworld open to release upon us all sorts of spirits. Loud street performances please the ghosts, and food is offered and prayers, money and other things are burned all over the place to appease them, like so:Incense sticks are supposed to ward off evil spirits, and also bring prosperity. So it's silly not to burn them! All building entrances look like this.I find, that the more I learn about this festival, the less I understand. For example, how do you differentiate between food to feed the hungry neglected ghosts versus the money directed at your own ancestors?
Why is this place offering baby bottles to the ghosts, and what do the numbers mean?
The hungriest ghosts are those whose families have forgotten to pay posthumous tribute to them. This results in them having long thin necks because they have not been fed (a common symptom of post-mortem famine). Thus, another mystery is why these dry puff cakes are left for the dead to try to get down said long throats. The living, even the stray dogs, don't like these.
If you swim, ghosts might drown you, and if you step into the ashes, you get possessed. This is unfortunate, as I melted part of my flip flop in these ashes. Thus, my future posts may become interesting.
If you think any of this is strange, please remember that a lot of you kill a pine tree annually to hang plastic bits on it and sing about a baby, hoping for a man to get in your chimney. Glad to help with your perspective.