Wednesday, July 15, 2015

South Indian Weddings - Intermediate Level

We learnt new skills in the intermediate level. Keri and Jeroen, who shop in the same place as we do, achieved family bling coordination!
I learnt how to put on my own sari. It is not straightforward to drape yourself in 6 meters of fabric, and I thank Ami, my tutor.
Chianoo learned how to bejewel her upper ear, not traditionally part of her culture.
And we got a little more adventurous in our eating. Did you know that Bombay duck is a fish? Luckily we didn't see its wiki picture ahead of time.
In any case, Indian food is the best food in the world, even with the species confusion.
Being at Intermediate level, Barry and I decided to adopt local custom and perform a dance. This was a BIG CHALLENGE for two main reasons:
1) I can't move my arms and legs at the same time.
2) Bollywood dancing involves much shoulder shaking. Mine can only shrug.
3) Barry somehow got through his education, including piano lessons and an alleged GnR cover band, without realizing that music has bars, and a count.
So, we practiced and adapted moves around these issues. Since I'm not advanced, I wore running shoes.
The most important thing is to keep smiling even if you screw up.
Early indications show that we mainly moved at the same time.
We're told that subjecting yourself to embarrassment (in our case for 1 minute and 52 seconds) shows respect for the happy couple. Others also performed, but I was too nervous/relieved to capture it.
The bride said "I know how hard it is for you Canadians". That's ok, we're better at canoeing.
I have not yet achieved the advanced skill of moving vehicle photography, despite years of practice.
Above, I learnt about the Bachelor of Unani Medicine and Surgery (BUMS), a discipline based on the concept of the four humours: Phlegm, Blood, Yellow and Black bile. Below, I found out how to buy a Morgue freezer, but wondered to how many passers-by that was relevant.
Shazé is against Christmas trees, perhaps for environmental reasons.
And I failed completely to get a picture of the goat I saw on a car, but it looked like this:
Ultimately, all of us Intermediate level guests were honoured to attend and improve our Indian wedding skills.
We recognize that when you look to adopt things from another culture, it's an imperfect effort. Here is our goodbye from the Sofitel.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

South Indian Weddings for Beginners

If you're invited to an India wedding, your first step is bedazzlement. I went with a forehead to navel rhinestone look with earrings that entrapped my ears, (which are taller, but with smaller holes than Indian earrings prefer).
Whatever you wear, the bride will be much more adorned, so no worries.
After arriving in India, (which may have required you to resubmit your visa application 4 times due to a clerk with an ill-fitting shirt and a bad mood), the first event is the Mehndi. If you're the bride, it looks like the above. If you're me, it looks like below.
For the wedding itself, we were provided with a helpful guide to figure it all out.
At first, Sam the groom gets adorned with an umbrella and fan. Sunita's family convinces him not to follow the ascetic life. Not following Asceticism myself, I googled, and it means that Sam's natural inclination was to "abstain from worldly pleasures, often for the purpose of pursuing spiritual goals". Luckily, after years of this already, Sam was convinced to abstain from abstaining.
In the next step, the bride and groom are brought skyward for flower garland lassoing. Once ensnared, they cannot escape. Strong relatives are required.
To the ceremony, we women wore more bedazzle, and fretted slightly about sari wardrobe malfunctions. Barry was responsible for leading the call to male toplessness. We learnt that wearing no shirt halves the time men take to get ready, from 4 to 2 minutes! Despite Barry's newfound liberation, he still made me adjust the picture.
Then, other customs ensued, involving the following props: a swing, feet, milk, rice, rice globules, sacred grass, reed-grass, string, turmeric, grains, drums, and, of course, a grindstone. Below, it appears the bride is flame-throwing, but that is not explained in the guide.
 Below, the bride was heard saying: "Could I please have some more flowers?"
Below, the bride and groom give each other their first marital betel leaf to chew. By the looks on their faces, this will not be a common occurrence.
Below is where I was mystified. Sam opened his draperies and people threw stuff into the folds. I aimed some of my rhinestones to help with the good fortune.
During the ceremony, the bride changes into a second amazingly fabulous sari. Also, her hair grows much longer, to help support more flowers.
After bowing to and walking around the fire, Sunita and Sam are married! Thereupon, songs are sung to wish Sunita well in her mother-in-law's home, and to get her in the good books of her sisters-in-law. After leaving the venue, according to my handy guide, Sunita and Sam break papads over each other's heads and roll a coconut back and forth. Yup, that's how it's done.
 Stay tuned for "South Indian weddings - Intermediate".

Sunday, June 28, 2015

You're Pinking and Smoothing Wrong

You've been doing it wrong. To get rid of the wrinkles, you need to roll them out from the inside!
The same applies to other body parts, especially the face, to which you apply the Hoppe Up Roll and the Flower Face Up Roll. For the legs, there is the Cell Crash Germaroller, the Legline roller and the Bounds roller, which you apply to your, well, I'm not sure. With all of this, you're sure to have smooty skin.
More bad news! You've also not been properly (de)forming your smile shape! I believe that these are spring loaded lip stretchers. If you want one, there's an even better one on Amazon with disturbing pictures here. And don't forget the cellulite squeezer for your butt!
Obviously if we don't squeeze ourselves enough we'll end up looking like Sirotan.
He's pretty cute, actually.
To round out the picture, here is some scalp pasta which has been tested for 100 years at a 9-year-old company.
Since he doesn't have cellulite to roll, Barry stuck to the slipper section, whispering to the plain.
You can also buy diary stickers so as to not strain yourself with pens.
Note that drinking occurs as often as the gym, whereas driving is rare.
I chose mashmallow cream and donut masks to give me a youthful glow.
Grand Finale! Mark has found out something important - these parts are supposed to be pink! This cream tells us so, and uses nanotechnology (sic.) to solve the issue if yours aren't "color soft".
Don't worry, I'm applying it to one of Barry's in his sleep in a single-blind experiment to see if the "nanomolecules" really do help penetrate effectively! I'll let you know if he achieves the desired pink.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Finger Pressure Adjunstment Simultaneously with Animals

I have found that life is indeed full of porcine surprises. Look, here is one now, at the Hogs, um, drycleaners?
Here, the better-dressed pig, in underwear and a bowtie, has cannibalistic notions involving making pork pancakes out of his friend.
Speaking of pigs, here is an Animal Farm-inspired notebook. "Inspiration comes of working. Imagination is more important than knowledge. The purpose of human life is to serve and to show compassion and the will to help others. Creativity is the ability to introduce order into the randomness of nature. Life is an exciting business and most exciting when it's lived for others. You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about it's width and depth."
At first this was my new favourite Engrish and I've tried to get Barry to live his life more for making me dinner. However, I've just found that it's copied verbatim from someone's blog. In any case, remember to serve, and forget about eating healthy!
After than, I think I need to visit the dRink fair, and perhaps to have some Wow Bang Tempura downstairs from the FUu2 bar.
I'm not sure what Barry's doing in this picture: either being Roman or listening for the bread message.
In this picture, I'm drawing attention away from my poor sock selection towards "what really beautiful could be available for nothing".
I wonder what we can find in these woods.
Oh no, the animals have been hung out to dry after spending life too leisurely and loosely!
This post has been brought to you by the Distortion photo studio. Not unlike where I got my latest passport/visa pictures done. The guy photoshopped me to have a smoother complexion, larger eyes, and a smaller nose. Do I laugh or cry?
Anyway, after all of this, we need a massage. Sit on this chair and select the rub/crap or the finger pressure adjunstment simultaneously button.